It was his weekend with the kids so I was forced to interact with him, albeit in a limited capacity. It's inevitable when one has six kids with their former spouse, but it's not something I look forward to or enjoy in any capacity. No matter what I say out loud? I'm still hurting something fierce inside. It's an ache that starts somewhere in the pit of my stomach and radiates through every part of my body. It is very much physical and I pray, begging and pleading with God, for relief from it. I don't want to feel this way. I mean, no one wants to feel this way. Unless their some kind of masochist. But I am fed up with feeling this way. Enough is enough already.
I read self help books, I listen to friends sage advice and stare at web page after web page about grief and moving on and letting it all go. It all sounds like fabulous advice. But all of the books and web sites are missing one vital piece of the puzzle. Clear cut directions as to HOW one “let's it all go” or “kisses it up to God” or whatever cute euphemism you want to use. HOW do I make myself stop feeling something? Something that is so engrained in me that it's practically part of my DNA?
I can admit that I have moments when I forget it all. When I'm engrossed in a book or captivated by a movie. Unfortunately I can't read or watch TV twenty-four seven. I have to work, deal with children, household chores, etc, etc, etc... It's during those moments when memories often come flooding back at me. A young couple with two small children will come through my lane and I'm instantly transported back to a time when it was just him and I and the two oldest boys. We were happy. We were usually broke, living in a rental house and didn't take family vacations. But we were happy. Or I thought we were.
I wonder, more often than I'd like to, if even back then he had these feelings of wanting out. I was literally pregnant every other year for ten years. Was that the only reason he stayed? Because leaving with six small children would have been financial suicide for both of us? Was my entire marriage a joke?
All of these things flood through my head at the most inopportune times and I've often found myself fighting off tears while taking care of a customer or speaking with a co-worker. Bursting into tears at work is not on my bucket list, I assure you. I'd prefer to keep the fact that I am an incurable cry baby under wraps. (Yeah, I know... too late.)
I have the urge a million times a day to shake myself and scream, “Snap out of it woman!!! He's moved on! Now you HAVE too!! He doesn't DESERVE your tears.” And in my head I'm doing just that. The scene plays over and over and over again. After awhile, the feelings get squashed back down again and I'm ok for a little while. Is that how I “move on”, “let go” and “kiss it up to God”?? Is it just a matter of every single second, of every single day fighting the feelings?? Because I have to tell you... it is emotionally and physically exhausting.
And how long does this go on?? When is my sentence up?? Because I'm starting to dislike the person I've become...